TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically recognized for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed through the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully away from location. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let's have A different location exactly where American Adult men can use robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer you All people a suite within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual Trump Tower Damascus device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he must end utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You recognize, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head noticeable from space, a function being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after finding the developing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not merely unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Attributes


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "the place's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting interest from Global traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely include things like:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge the place my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Feelings with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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